A New Problem With My Girl

[daniel2]

Well to start things off my girl has been in a relationship with another guy quite a few times. So shes not really "my girl" but she calls me "her boy" so I do the same. Anyway now that, thats out of the way I'll start things off.

My girls boyfriend has been cheating on her, since day one he made her look like a slut. Basically telling his mates she was his dick puppet and that she was at his will.
I told her to dump him but well she went to him with the intention of forgiving him no matter if it was true or not.

Now they've broken up, gone out, broken up, gone out and broken up and gone out again. So its their third time together.

Shes been cheating on him with me for about a month and well when I found proof (always had suspicion but now I have proof) that he was cheating I told her because I care about her.

Josh (My girls Boyfriend) has been cheating on my girl for ages with another girl called Sandra and a red head who I don't know. Sandra basically blurted it out without thinking it was a big deal. I told my girl, she confronted Sandra, Sandra denied the lot because she was scared my girl would get angry and beat her up.
Ontop of that when my girl went to Josh he denied the lot as well. So you have two people who deny everything and me the only person with 19 pages of horrible truth which I sent her stuck in the middle. My girl believes what I heard on MSN and that the chat logs are the truth. But she doesn't want to believe her bf is cheating her and has been for so long.

This is where things get messy.

2 days later and my girl has asked for a break from me.
Now the reason why I was shattered is because her and I haven't seen eachother in 3 weeks. We hardly talk on the phone and its usually on msn that we do our chatting. We were planning something for this weekend and these holidays but well now she wants a break from me so the holidays are going to go past :cowboy: without me doing anything with her and the next ones are 11 weeks away. We were going to do something but this bullshit about her bf cheating came up. I want to see her but well she says she needs a break. I've tried telling her that we already don't talk much and that the reason shes asking for a break is bullshit (there is no reason) and that distancing ourselves from one another is stupid because we already don't get to talk very often.
But she insists and I don't want her to let the holidays roll by without doing anything..

Anyway I just wanted some advice and opinions..
Thanks..

[shahice]

just give her all the time she need mayb she try to find what really happen...
and why dun u just tell her that u really love her and care for her also dun wan to see she sad or hurt.......just be honest

[daniel2]

I've told her that heaps and she knows that. Which is why I have no idea why she needs time off. It's not that bad anymore because I found out well theres another whole week of school before holidays and I don't know how long she can last without me really... God I'm so confused really.

[AmSidar]

Maybe she need the time to clean her head and think what to do. Probably thats the best what shahice suggested. Give her all the support what she needs. :)

[daniel2]

I can't support her though, because we are on "break".

[txcforever]

What is this a spanish soap opera? You were searching for proof that he is cheating her when on the same time she is cheating him WITH YOU. It's like two thieves trying to prove that the other one is guilty. In case you didn't notice, YOU are the "extra" part in this relationship since they were together before she started dating you. Also by telling the truth with no one to support your claims , you doomed any chance you had of a relationship with her (unless she finds them in bed or something) since she probably thinks now that you lied (or over reacted) to break them up.
Are you so desperate for a woman (or do you love this one so much) that you are willing to break a couple just to have her? IF she really believed you but still forgiven him then you are fighting a losing battle my friend.

[daniel2]

Woahhh you took that the totally wrong way.

My girl and I were in a 2 year relationship beforehand (I broke it off because my best mate commited suicide and I felt like I couldn't cope and I might be next). [Don't ask]. Shes only dated this dude for about a month, and yeah they've already broken up 3 times. So its like once a week.

Shes cheats on him for love, because hes frigid as hell and because I do everything better.. He cheats on her to brag to his mates that hes got loads of girls. She wont dump him because hes the only male company she has at school. Where as I don't go to school.

See the difference? No I don't want a girl so badly, if I wanted a girlfriend I could walk outside my front door come back with one in 2 hours. I don't want a girlfriend, I wanted things to continue like they were. I had no idea that telling her would sever our friendship to "this".

Also I wasn't searching for proof. Didn't you read the part where Sandra blurted that shit out, out of nowhere?

Lastly, as for the proof I have its 19 pages of MSN chat logs from 4 different people who have all be subject to her bf's "dirty deeds" what more proof do you want???!

[AmSidar]

I still say this the wait out game, at least you got all the proof on your side. If she still chooses a "female pelt" hunter then you then that was not a great relationship anyway.

Lets hope she wont do that shall we?

[daniel2]

Well I'm guessing shes going to have to catch him, which wont be too hard because now she might actually be keeping an eye open. I don't care if they don't break up I just want her to be happy... I wanted things to go how they were..

[txcforever]

Hey it's not me you got to convince and sorry if I misunderstood (I read your post many times before I actually posted my self). Let me get this straight (because apparently I got it all wrong :P): You had a relationship with her for 2 years but you broke up (something you haven't mentioned on your post, you said that she is your girl and she calls you her boy). Now she is with a guy that he cheats on her since day one and she only forgives him because he is the only one at her school that she can date?
From the time she chose him over you (maybe she is more need of love than friendship) and you tried to tell her the truth and not only did she not accept it but blew you away then maybe it's game over. Since she chose to stay with him any attempts to break them up would only seem hostile from her even though they were in good will. And coming from you, a guy that she had a relationship for so long would only look even worse as in the blurred eyes of a girl in love would only seem like attempts to win her back and that's probably why she broke all ties with you. In my opinion you acted too fast and only achieved the opposite result.

[Silmeria]

not to be an asshole but....you think you are better than the other guy acepting a relationship like that? i mean those 2 arent better she is cheating him, he is cheating her saldy i think SHE likes him that much to let him go its called beign blind and loving someone who isnt going to ever anwser back i am sure Sandra the red head doesnt think the guy is frigid as hell(since she is still with him) ALSO what is that bullshit excuse she came up with(or you did) the one that say "hes the only male company she has at school" you dont need a man in school to be not alone you can have FRIENDS, just by the way it looks she toyed with you to give the guy some jealousy or she wanted love that bad that she was cheating on him, or some other reason i am unable to discover?
if you where mature enough you would never acepted that relationship unsless you find it a kinky fetish....so get your girl in 2 hours and start a relationship with a normal person, i find it highly wrong to cheat on the person you supposed love....or she likes to suffer that much..such a blind love from you two.

[AmSidar]

So you think its love or something? Thats absurd ppl who love each other wont cheat on each other. Then that leaves that she toying whit you. :defeat:

[daniel2]

Hey it's not me you got to convince and sorry if I misunderstood (I read your post many times before I actually posted my self). Let me get this straight (because apparently I got it all wrong :P): You had a relationship with her for 2 years but you broke up (something you haven't mentioned on your post, you said that she is your girl and she calls you her boy). Now she is with a guy that he cheats on her since day one and she only forgives him because he is the only one at her school that she can date?
From the time she chose him over you (maybe she is more need of love than friendship) and you tried to tell her the truth and not only did she not accept it but blew you away then maybe it's game over. Since she chose to stay with him any attempts to break them up would only seem hostile from her even though they were in good will. And coming from you, a guy that she had a relationship for so long would only look even worse as in the blurred eyes of a girl in love would only seem like attempts to win her back and that's probably why she broke all ties with you. In my opinion you acted too fast and only achieved the opposite result.

I really understand where your comming from. Well I broke it up back then because I was having problems and the main reason why I'm scared is because I said lets put things on hold and next thing I know its 2 weeks later and she talks to me and I had lost all my feelings for her. But the day after I broke up with her I realised I was over my friends suicide and that I needed some companionship but it was too late the damage had been done and I had already done the breaking up. That was basically stupid-life-mistake-number-one.

I'm scared because this is reminding me so much of what I did a 2 months ago, like its all come back to haunt me you know?

The reason I told her about Sandra and Josh is because I care about her, I want her to be happy and well I thought shit the relationship is a sham, shes not being faithful and neither is he. I realised after doing it, it was the dumbest idea ever. Not only did I lose Sandra as a friend I've smashed my friendship with my girl.

Now I have no idea why she wants space from me but basically I've always thought it may be because she thinks I tried to tear her and Josh apart.
I asked her if she would have done the same if the situation was totally reversed and she said yes because she cares about me. (No hesitation from her at all).
However I haven't asked her if she was thankful that I told her.
I asked my dad (proberly not a smart move) and he said if you care about her you should tell her asap. So I did.
It's basically fucked everything, at the pace we were going I would have had her back in no time but this has put everything back to square 1.
Unfortunately you cannot take some things back, like verginity and experiences etc, as well as long connections and understandings. I'm hoping she remembers those and realizes that she doesn't want to lose them, just like I don't.

However part of me is thinking that shes thankful we aren't talking for awhile. Well I know she is because she DID ask for a break. But I mean thankful in a way that shes going to pull the same stunt that I did and hope that I forget about her which is fucking impossible. I'm stressing because I don't know how she feels and what shes thinking. Or if she even cares. I don't want a week to go by and then I'm forced to ring her because I'm going insane and she says look I think we should drop it or she asks for another week. We haven't seen eachother in 3 weeks going on 4 we were meant to this week but well if she doesn't tell me tomorrow that, that is enough time on break then we can't see eachother this weekend. I pretty much realise that plan is out the window.

I really don't know what to do. I spoke to her today even though yesterday she said its break time, and she was really actually thankful that I rang because she wanted to hear my voice. She didn't have anything to say so I told her what I needed to to try and cover some bases. It worked out well and it ended with me saying "sure you get your break but I still think its the total opposite from what we should be doing you know, because we already never see eachother, why stop communicating too."?
(We can only communicate via phone now because her computer is broken, I offered to fix/salvage her HDD which I could fix in an hour but this came up in the middle of her planning to give it to me to fix).

Part of me is saying ring her and cover more bases but the other part is saying your on break and your going to look obsessed which is not a good sign. Your already going to break, the whole "on break" rule and if you look obsessed as well then your fucked. So I know I can't ring her, but its killing me.
I've tried occupying myself but well I can't forever... I get bored easily and then things remind me of her and I freak out.

not to be an asshole but....you think you are better than the other guy acepting a relationship like that? i mean those 2 arent better she is cheating him, he is cheating her saldy i think SHE likes him that much to let him go its called beign blind and loving someone who isnt going to ever anwser back i am sure Sandra the red head doesnt think the guy is frigid as hell(since she is still with him) ALSO what is that bullshit excuse she came up with(or you did) the one that say "hes the only male company she has at school" you dont need a man in school to be not alone you can have FRIENDS, just by the way it looks she toyed with you to give the guy some jealousy or she wanted love that bad that she was cheating on him, or some other reason i am unable to discover?
if you where mature enough you would never acepted that relationship unsless you find it a kinky fetish....so get your girl in 2 hours and start a relationship with a normal person, i find it highly wrong to cheat on the person you supposed love....or she likes to suffer that much..such a blind love from you two.

This has had me confused for ages too. I don't know why she wanted to cheat on him, but well she did and it was like we never stopped going out basically. I think its because she still loves me and shes sad the relationship was cut short. I'm also alot better at being a good boyfriend/partner/lover then Josh is, I'm 3 years older then him, I'm alot more mature and I'm certainly alot more handsome. Which she knows all too well. I can't answer why she cheated on Josh because unfortunately I don't know. Parts of me don't care too because its a good feeling she still wants me like I want her. Though I don't know anymore after this. Josh IS really frigid. He hates being seen in public so he hides at school, his parents are totally anti relationship and he wont dare try and go behind their back, he wont go to socials with her and after lunchtimes at school my girl never sees him again because his bus is the first one. Shes still has never seen him before hes gotten on his bus in the afternoons.
My girl is very guy orientated and wants to sorta experiment so she likes guys. Way more then she likes her girlfriends.
Josh is the only guy in school she can relate to, and have an edge on because shes dating him. Shes also known him for awhile and all that and she doesn't want to meet any other guy really because she doesn't want to build all that trust up again. Even though she can't trust him for shit. I know shes only seeing what she wants to see and shes hiding from the truth.
&& She DID go out with Josh to get back at me, but she fell for him by accident. I forgave her that time for being a bitch. But all girls are like that so I couldn't really blame her.

[AmSidar]

Well not all of use are like that, for example i never would do that's just from revenge... duh.

[txcforever]

Well Daniel because you wrote quite a lot I will only focus on some of the parts you mentioned.
a) You should never EVER have told things like cheating, flirting or stuff like that to her since they are only together for only a month. As you said she probably thought that you were trying to break them up and the fact that you still have an affair with her make it even easier for her to assume that.
b) Asking your father is the worst thing you could do (actually following his advice is even worse) since he will 99.9% tell you to give her the truth (as I said in in the 1st point that's a big NO NO in a relationship that's not even a months old).
c)It's ok to call her once in a while but do it everyday and it will probably makes things even worse (she will think you are obsessed).
d)Well maybe you should have tried to learn why she wanted to be/sleep with you from the moment she started a new relationship. Is it because she still have feelings for you? Maybe she knew about his other relationships and tried to make him jealous or stop seeing her. No matter the reason you should have asked before you dive in.

[daniel2]

She ended up ringing me, I wont say why because well I still don't know why. But she rang and well we got into an explanation about it. txcforever was totally correct. She thought this was some fucking sleazy move by me to try and get her back which wasn't the deal at all.
I talked to her about it and we worked it out. She forgave me... just. She still trusts me and well we blame it on a huge miscommunication. As well as me jumping into something that wasn't my fault.

She still wants a break from talking but only for 2 days. Not a week+ like she originally wanted. Shes also going to tell Josh that my intentions were not malicious, however I have a hunch he'll never forgive me. Not that I care but well I needed to prove that I was sorry and that I was willing to do almost anything to put this behind us.

[txcforever]

I am glad you still have an opportunity to win her back (or just remain friends at least). On the downside though you blew your best card of opening her eyes and see what kind of person Josh really is like because as I said you threw it on the table too fast. The only way now for something to change is her finding out Josh's other affair by herself (or at least understand that breaking up every week is not a healthy relationship)

[daniel2]

Well I spoke to Sandra and Sandra is calling my girl a liar. Sandra also swore on her mums grave (Sandras mum has passed away) that Sandra was telling the truth and that what my girl said has all been lies from the beginning.

I don't know if I want to confront my girl with what Sandra has said because the last time I spoke to her in that way I created this mess. What do you think?

[txcforever]

DO NOT I repeat DO NOT tell her anything yet (unless you wanna see how much can you push your luck). You barely "survived" telling her the truth as she assumed that you wanted to break them up, now you want to show her that you believe she is a liar (because that's what she will assume)?
Just give it a few weeks, earn back her trust and then make any move.

[AmSidar]

And who knows maybe Sandra is wrong. Gather more proof befor saying anything even a few weaks later.

[darkJester]

i say end it and move on...

i've read damn near everything in this thread, kinda sorry i did...

that's just some fucked up shit, i've been through something similar , a long time ago, and nothing good came from it, a friend of mine went through and has been going through shit similar to that, and nothing good has come from it either...

normally, i would say something well thought out, and deep, that makes me sound like i'm full of wisdom, but meh,
at this point i'd say, this is something u don't want to continue... sounds like she's messed up, and u r messed up, and the other people are just douches... face it, U r the extra man now, u r the back up, the fall back, you've explained a lot, but i'm sure there still so much left unsaid, and i'm skeptical at what kinda "relationship" u truly had and have... but oh wells, as i said, stop screwing yoself over with this mess... find that "girl" u said u could get in 2 hours, and start again, and i'll bet before u know it, that mess will be long forgotten...

and thats my 2 cents...

k thxs...

[toadvine]

I think you've got the right idea so far Dan: pull out and get yourself some high moral ground (+3 judicious bonus!).

So far you've been the accuser, you've done your duty in pointing out that you think there's a problem going on and you've tried your best to get her to accept it, so at this point there's not much you can do except damage control - give things a bit of time to cool off, see what she wants to do. If she's not willing to accept that Josh is cheating, then you've gotta drop it and let her find out on her own. Either she will, in which case you're the one whose always been there looking out for her and make a good shoulder to return to (win!) or she won't, in which case you aren't the guy who kept pushing and pushing and pushing to split her and her actual boyfriend up (avoiding a lose!), since history aside you're currently the side-dish. IT sucks that it sounds like you probably won't get to spend these holidays together, but over a 2+ year relationship what's another couple days or even weeks if it gives you the chance to make things right?

(edit) DJ hadn't posted yet, and yeah, it does sounds like you and everyone involved are in a crazy kind of mess, but I wrote mine under the assumption that pulling out of that group completely isn't something you want to do. If you were cool with doing so, I also support the 'get the heck out of there' plan.(/edit)

[rising crescent]

....
I think you still have a chance.the probability is still high.

always show her you really love her,care for her ,protect her,gentle her,side by her

if you really love her,you must have hope that she will get true happiness with the man with her heart choosed one even that is NOT YOU ,even this is very PAIN you, but you still do act to get this is achieved.

it obvious your girlfriend still love him,even he always pain her. but dont worry, it will achieve break poin.whenever it achieve,she will turn her eye on you.

girl always seek the man really love her, even the guy she like is not like her..

even you fail to win her heart, you Do Gentle Man good deeds doings.
Goodluck..

[daniel2]

Mm I ended up giving her the flick. Now my life is much better, I rang her two days ago and I wanted an answer and she said she didn't want to talk to me yet so I hold her the whole friendship was off. Then I hung up in her ear..

So thats solved.

Thanks for everyones help. I honestly don't miss her, because I'm not blinded by love anymore.

[txcforever]

Good for you. You 'll see, in a few days she will be the one calling you

[daniel2]

I kinda hope not. But well it would be nice for her to. So I could tell her to personally FUCK. OFF.

[AmSidar]

Can we say it ended in happy end? At least for u.... dont know if we can consider this happy.

[daniel2]

I think we can. Because I have a new girlfriend, one that doesn't bring me pain. Or heartache. All it took was for me to open my eyes... realise she was there wanting me all along. When I was with bitchface I couldn't see past her..

Yes.. I'm very happy now ^_____^