Daku Zetsumei
01-02-2010, 09:31 AM
Have you ever felt disturbed? Or dead inside?
If so this is your chance to talk about it.
I certainly qualify as a un-fortunate soul. A lot of bad things happened way back. Wayyyy back. I'm not talking about only physical scars, but also the ones that scar your mind, soul and thoughts.
I've been threw 3 surgeries. Including cancer. Each one left more then one scar, I was also badly burned which left another mark this time on my arm.
I lived threw my share of pain, but more always seems to be coming and I have no way of stopping it... no way of avoiding it.
That's how life is for some people. But what's worse is being scared by things you can't forget. Things that just keep coming back like flashbacks. A few years ago I was working at a hotel. You can say it was pretty on outside , pretty on the inside, but deep inside after passing the kitchen you could the dirt and filth decorating the walls. I spent there quite a time and managed to earn a bit of money. I also worked at the reception for a short time. Till one day this woman showed up with her child. The little kid ran up to me and poked my leg to get my attention. He he didn't speak my native language so I talked to him in English and he asked me if I was his papa... I nearly bursted in to tears when I seen him getting taken away by the woman I have seen before and another one... there was no man with them at some point I managed to seen them again and watched as the poor kid was looking at me. Everyone else seemed to ignore him... his sad eyes and face... even his mother and her lesbian lover who kissed and didn't even look at their child... When I was a child myself I practically grew up with my grandparents who where like a mother and father to me. When my one of them died... it was great loss for me and I tried to imagine how that child is feeling. Never knowing any fatherly love... the kindness... or even a simple hug. I thought... "kids, kids need both parents to be loved and not this... this twisted mockery of a family" In moments like that a person can brake in to a thousand peaces and you feel the way you change inside and before I knew it I was protesting and fighting that sick deviant minority in our country a long with millions and millions of other people like me. Thank God... Thank God there such a minority here and that even the president himself supports us! It was an extrordinary experince to see my people unite against this plague that simply keeps spreading across all Europe. When we shown the people how it goes that first homosexuals desire acceptance then marriages and finally our children. Our Country's children who could have the chance to grow up in a normal family with a loving mother and father. In the end we won and there where no more gay parades and all that other crap. It was all it mattered like back then when after 2 years of homosexuality my old friend was finally healed, thanks to me, therapy and a certain book.
Although I helped others fight for what is right. For for something we believed in... I could not help myself. The women where I live are so distant and cold. So many times has my heart been broken upon their will and used... time and time again. Love seems to be difficult to master for some females as well as many males I believe. I was constantly used as a money bag and when ever I mentioned Metal, Rock, Manga and Anime I've seen rejection in their eyes and mockery. Seems I was only good for them as a money bag, a man with privileges and often.. sadly... beauty... thats why I'd rather say that I'm a deformed and hideous monster. It helps me forget about certain things, events, people. Perhaps I am just a unlovable man or almost unlovable. That's what I thought.
Those... those are the things that stay with me for life.
And what are yours dear reader? What are the things carved in to your flesh and mind that you won't forget till the rest of your days?
If so this is your chance to talk about it.
I certainly qualify as a un-fortunate soul. A lot of bad things happened way back. Wayyyy back. I'm not talking about only physical scars, but also the ones that scar your mind, soul and thoughts.
I've been threw 3 surgeries. Including cancer. Each one left more then one scar, I was also badly burned which left another mark this time on my arm.
I lived threw my share of pain, but more always seems to be coming and I have no way of stopping it... no way of avoiding it.
That's how life is for some people. But what's worse is being scared by things you can't forget. Things that just keep coming back like flashbacks. A few years ago I was working at a hotel. You can say it was pretty on outside , pretty on the inside, but deep inside after passing the kitchen you could the dirt and filth decorating the walls. I spent there quite a time and managed to earn a bit of money. I also worked at the reception for a short time. Till one day this woman showed up with her child. The little kid ran up to me and poked my leg to get my attention. He he didn't speak my native language so I talked to him in English and he asked me if I was his papa... I nearly bursted in to tears when I seen him getting taken away by the woman I have seen before and another one... there was no man with them at some point I managed to seen them again and watched as the poor kid was looking at me. Everyone else seemed to ignore him... his sad eyes and face... even his mother and her lesbian lover who kissed and didn't even look at their child... When I was a child myself I practically grew up with my grandparents who where like a mother and father to me. When my one of them died... it was great loss for me and I tried to imagine how that child is feeling. Never knowing any fatherly love... the kindness... or even a simple hug. I thought... "kids, kids need both parents to be loved and not this... this twisted mockery of a family" In moments like that a person can brake in to a thousand peaces and you feel the way you change inside and before I knew it I was protesting and fighting that sick deviant minority in our country a long with millions and millions of other people like me. Thank God... Thank God there such a minority here and that even the president himself supports us! It was an extrordinary experince to see my people unite against this plague that simply keeps spreading across all Europe. When we shown the people how it goes that first homosexuals desire acceptance then marriages and finally our children. Our Country's children who could have the chance to grow up in a normal family with a loving mother and father. In the end we won and there where no more gay parades and all that other crap. It was all it mattered like back then when after 2 years of homosexuality my old friend was finally healed, thanks to me, therapy and a certain book.
Although I helped others fight for what is right. For for something we believed in... I could not help myself. The women where I live are so distant and cold. So many times has my heart been broken upon their will and used... time and time again. Love seems to be difficult to master for some females as well as many males I believe. I was constantly used as a money bag and when ever I mentioned Metal, Rock, Manga and Anime I've seen rejection in their eyes and mockery. Seems I was only good for them as a money bag, a man with privileges and often.. sadly... beauty... thats why I'd rather say that I'm a deformed and hideous monster. It helps me forget about certain things, events, people. Perhaps I am just a unlovable man or almost unlovable. That's what I thought.
Those... those are the things that stay with me for life.
And what are yours dear reader? What are the things carved in to your flesh and mind that you won't forget till the rest of your days?