humor thread

[MMao]

u read it, only 1 rulez here : make the readerz LOL
u can put anythin here as long it make ppl LOL LMAO ROFL ZOMG

I'll start with story :
there'z a traveler who unluckily busted by cannibal race, he pray to god and say "Tiz time I'll die....". Suddenly there'z a voice in his ear sayin "Tiz iz not ur time my son, take a stone on ur foot and throw it in front of u." The traveler is hopeless, he can't do anything but to do like the voice said. Amazingly it hit the cannibal race leader from all of people, and the leader dies. The other cannibals are so angry at him and prepare to cook him, suddenly the same voice heared again, "Now itz ur time my son."

[tankaru]

Rejections: The Female Way
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance. ")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less
the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women:
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet. It's that male perspective thing)

this is too much a lie to accept

Rejections: The Male Way
This is too truthful to accept
Rejections and what they mean

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men:
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

[tankaru]

Philosophy Of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

[doha]

Rejections: The Female Way
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance. ")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less
the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women:
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet. It's that male perspective thing)

this is too much a lie to accept

Rejections: The Male Way
This is too truthful to accept
Rejections and what they mean

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men:
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)

is that the only thing a guy think of "your ugly"

[tankaru]

is that the only thing a guy think of "your ugly"

yup its true doha Lol

[doha]

yup its true doha Lol

then the guy is an idiot casue he doesn't ahve a good reason^^

[Carnage]

He should kill himself..

The rejections are funny anyway. xD

[wolf]

i guess my sense of hummor is on vaction cause i'm not laghing :defeat:

[reminder]

Men at work

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[renegadesoul]

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

:am: God sure is a genius!!!....... :em001:

. :071:

[Agnus]

Rejections: The Female Way
10. I think of you as a brother.
(I really think of you as my brother)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(Cant feel attracted to you)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(I think of you as a friend.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(Im in love with more than 1 man)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(I've a boyfriend).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(We could meet at other place :P)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(i'm confused and its the best for you)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Dont wanna get involved)

2. I'm celibate.
(Whatever)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women:
1. Let's be friends.
(We can still talk sometimes..)



:em038:

[tankaru]

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1uwOL4rB-go

lolz

[ZephyrBlack]

well wat your joke is better, I do not give a damn since the rejection joke is lame ass.

[renegadesoul]

:em038: Seeing the old geezer post jokes is a joke in itself... woot woot ^^

:XD:

[tankaru]

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[reminder]

Do you know what "boner" means?

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HylIK_tkET0

[renegadesoul]

O.O no!!!

:snicker2:

[Rephaim GG]

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Star Wars III - The Backstroke of the West

[cinconneal]

There was once two brothers named 'Shut-up' and 'Trouble'
One day, Trouble got lost so his brother went looking for him
Shut-up saw a policeman so he asked for help
The policeman asked, "So what is your name?"
the boy replied, "Shut-up"
The policeman was taken aback and asked again, "What is your name?"
the boy replied, "Shut-up!!"
This time, the policeman got angry and asked....
"Are you looking for trouble?"
the boy replied....
"Yup!"

[Shinozaki]

lol i know tat story cinc!! :XD:

[cinconneal]

lol i know tat story cinc!! :XD:
Really? You've heard that joke b4?
Did you hear it from your friends? Or read it online?

[Shinozaki]

i think it was ma dad lolz....

[Shinozaki]

n its translated to my own language =P

[tankaru]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8 children.. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

Therefore, the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!”

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking!!!!"

[pikuchang]

There was a married couple in a village who had six children. They did not know about natural family planning so they just do it and the wife gave birth to a seventh child. The wife got tired of having a lot of children and her husband took her to see a doctor in a nearby town. The husband told the doctor about the problem. The doctor recommended to the husband to buy a condom if he wanted to do it and told the couple he should see them in six months time for any progress. The husband did as he was told by the doctor but unfortunately, the wife got pregnant again with her eighth child.

After 6 months, the couple went to see the doctor again and consult him again. The husband told the doctor that he did as he was told but nothing happened. The doctor asked "Did you even use the condom?". The husband replied, "You have to use it when doing it? I thought you said you just have to buy the condom and everything would be fine." The doctor was shocked at the ignorance of the couple and told the man, "you must use it when doing it otherwise what is the purpose of buying the condom but not using it?" The doctor tell them to see him after the eighth child was born to see any progress. The couple was happy and left. The husband bought the condom, used it as what the doctor had told him and the wife got pregnant again with her ninth child.

They went to see the doctor again and the husband told the doctor, "i 've followed your instructions, how come my wife is pregnant again? Are you sure this condom is really a birth control agent?". The doctor was puzzled and asked the husband " how did you use the condom?". The husband replied "you told me to use it so I thought you were supposed to wear it like a glove on your hand." Now the doctor was furious and asked the wife to get out of the room. The doctor then opened his zippers, grabbed a condom from his pocket and told the husband "you put the condom over your stick like this when doing it, that way your wife won't be pregnant, understood?" The husband nodded with confidence and left the doctor.

The husband did as he was told by the doctor and the couple did it again but the wife got pregnant again with her tenth child. They went to see the doctor again and told the same problem. The doctor was shocked and furious at the matter and asked the husband "did you do everything i told you?". The husband replied "i did everything you told me but when i put the condom on my stick there was a small pocket like thingy on the tip of the condom which cannot fit into my stick, so I cut it with a pair of scissors."

[leito]

lol what was that lol funny hehe^^

[maplel3av3s]

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? ( anyone)

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan ( someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's
urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's
this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan
( no one ) was
involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then
the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I
don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

[*retro]

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[Uprising]

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>_>

[raphxenon]

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