A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz)

kite98765 · 02-26-2008, 05:43 PM

Hi there. I was just wondering if you could rate this story I wrote. Be kind please!

A Nerd's Dreams of Wierd Machines
By: Kite98765

The pervy nerd was working in a college lab on a machine that shrinks objects. He tried it on himself and found that he could shrink to the size of a peanut or a doll. He shared this with his college buddies and they used it to sneak into the girls dorm. They peeked into the showers and watched all the girls run around the dorms. All of the girls had supermodle bodies, for example nice breasts, killer thighs, all the right curves. However, one day, the hottest girl noticed little bug-sized things moving around the floor. This hot girl was an honors student and had an award in engineering. She took a magnifying glass and, unexpecting to the guys on the floor, discovered who they were. She took action positively towards them because she realized that the nerd with the machine was the boy she had an attraction to for three years.

She befriended the shrink machine inventor and seduced him into telling her about the machine. The nerd fell for it and even let her tinker with the machine. The hot girl took the machine to the girls dorm and told the girls about the boys' adventures through the dorms. The college girls allowed the boys to continue peeping at them untill the girls developed a way to capture the boys. The college girls didn't want to hurt the boys. They wanted to play with the boys sexually since they all realy liked the boys. So, the hot girl and the rest of the girls dorm worked on the machine untill they produced a new feature on it.

The machine now had a clothing maker- in other words, a machine that made female clothing. They made bras, underwear, miniskirts, blouses, and bikinis out of objects. They then tested the machine on animals-mice to be more specific- and found that only the male mouse had turned into a bra, not the female mouse. The plan was then complete. The next time the boys sneaked in again the girls would turn them into clothes, put the boys on, and use the machine to enlarge their breasts and thighs, thus making the boys almost rip because of the tight fit. The college girls also made it so that they could select what part of the boys became which article of clothing.

It was fairly easy to decide- a boy's head would become a bra, the groin into panties, the chest and arms into a blouse, and the legs a miniskirt. The bikinis were produced the same as the bra and underwear. Everything was now in order.

So not to make the boys suspicious, the girls built a new machine without the added features and gave it to the boys. The smart collge hottie kept the tinkered machine for the girls' own use.

The next night, the whole girls dorm threw a Playboy party, in which the girls dressed in either a Playboy bunny outfit, a bikini, or went nude. News about the party "accidentally" slipped out to the boys, who immediately shrunk down and raided the party.

As soon as the boys entered the girls dorm, all the college girls recieved a meesage. It said, "Hey, anyone need a play toy? They just arrived...." The girls then set up the machine, but kept partying to keep the boys from noticing. The girls then revealed the boys, captured them, and either dropped the peanut-sized boys into their cleavage for a full body breast rub(the boys get repeatedly smooshed in the college girls' breasts), become sex slave dolls, or get streched as bras and other articles of clothing.

The girls played with the boys for weeks. The teachers were all wondering why the boys were missing their classes. They never suspected that the boys were the clothing of all the girls that were in class. Of course, the teachers noticed the girls' brests and thighs were practically ripping their clothes, but they didn't care. The boys were never seen again.

If you have stayed and read this story all the way through, I thank you and congratulate you for having a great sense of patience. Please rate this. And for those of you who don't have patience, I apologize for the long story. (I felt like writing this, but as soon as I got into it, I couldn't stop writing for 2 hours! LOL)

kite98765 · 02-26-2008, 06:05 PM

Anyone? Please rate this......

LightElf · 02-26-2008, 06:07 PM

Erm...well I am not very sure.

A story's supposed to have a conflict you know...some sort of a problem which the Characters face. And a story is generally supposed to have an exposition, climax, and a resolution, very generally speaking.

Your story I think...lacks a bit of a conflict in my opinion. Everything is so "idealistic" and devoid of any real problems. I mean all the college girls being supermodels and they all falling for the boys and so forth...and being able to sneak on them as men is really a nice dream to have for typical men, but the story would be a bit boring without any sort of a problem. The only thing I could really call a "conflict" here is the college girls' attempt to find a solution to the problem of catching the boys and turning them into their clothes....but I am not sure if you can really call that an interesting enough conflict to make the readers read on.

But somehow it wasnt such a bad story to read...you got some nice bit of imaginative thinking so it shows that you can be quite creative, and whilst I dont see a very conspicuos conflict in the story, I think you made up for it using some sexual connotations to perhaps keep the readers to read on by getting "aroused" in a sense.

so all in all you could make the story more interesing if you can combine that imagination of yours especially in the sexual sense with a bit more of a "conflct" to perhaps cause a bit more tension and suspense in the story.

Slayden · 02-26-2008, 06:27 PM

As a writer and poet himself, I'm going to rate you based on my own literary experience, grasp of stories and how they are best told, and the observation of others' works. I'm not going to be sarcastic, but please don't take this personal. It is an objective review of the work you have written. It is not an attack.

I get the impression that you barely made it through the first draft. I also have to wonder if you even made some sort of outline or organized your thoughts before writing. The storyline is horrid. Such a machine made in a school could not be kept under wraps, and I doubt the student would even try to do so. No allowance or even an excuse is given as to why the boy would hide his work.

And the girl with an award in engineering. Such a girl would not have such petty notions as this. Furthermore, how much longer would it take to research transforming one material into another? and build the machine to do so? There is no timescale in this at all. Did they do all this overnight? How would the boys NOT find out about the tinkering with the original machine? The inventor would be constantly testing, tweaking, and refining the technology.

And turning the boys into clothes? And turning specific parts of them into different articles of clothing? Um... wouldn't that kill them? Besides, even if the process itself didn't kill them, separating them into different pieces certainly would. But most of all... why?

Sorry but your story is ill-conceived and ill-constructed. While the suspension of disbelief is to be present in all works, this one stretches it until it snaps. On a scale of 1-5, I give it a 1. The single star if for the effort you put into it.

kite98765 · 02-26-2008, 06:50 PM

Slayden,
As for your comment, I would find it better and a little less painful if you didn't compare it to your own works. I'll leave you with this:
I never thought about this story untill it hit me from some science lesson. I'm a person who despises writing, so I didn't make a draft or anything. The only thing that happened was that my mind flowed through my pencil and onto a paper. But I slightly appreciate that you actually answered me, so thanks, in a way.

kite98765 · 02-26-2008, 06:52 PM

LightElf,
I appreciate your comment more, for that you supported me up and raised my spirits about my story. Thank you for your post.

kite98765 · 02-26-2008, 06:55 PM

If anyone else online would like to rate my story, feel free to do so. I'd appreciate it if a girl would also read and reply her opinion. Thank you.

Daniel. · 02-26-2008, 07:08 PM

Not a very good story, please also don't double post and then TRIPLE post.. use the edit button instead down in the right hand bottom corner of your post.
This also isn't the right section for you to be posting this sort of material.

P.S If you say you despised writing why are you so keen to have it here... ?

Slayden · 02-27-2008, 01:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kite98765

Slayden,
As for your comment, I would find it better and a little less painful if you didn't compare it to your own works. I'll leave you with this:
I never thought about this story untill it hit me from some science lesson. I'm a person who despises writing, so I didn't make a draft or anything. The only thing that happened was that my mind flowed through my pencil and onto a paper. But I slightly appreciate that you actually answered me, so thanks, in a way.

I set aside my usual compassion because this is a literary work. Literature, especially prose, has a definite construction and presentation. If these things are missing, it's not going to be very good, and I see many of them missing. As I forewarned, I wasn't attacking you personally. And I'm not just comparing your work to mine, I'm comparing it to Poe, Keats, Rice, Frost, Yeats, Burns, etc. I also have a couple of friends with whom I've only recently been able to equal in writing prowess. (I'm still Poetry King though. ^_^) One of them is even an aspiring Hollywood screenplay writer and boy can he convey an image. He's only 17, but he loves to write and that's why he's so good. While I enjoy writing, he loves it which is why he was my superior for so many years despite that I'm older.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightElf

A story's supposed to have a conflict you know...some sort of a problem which the Characters face. And a story is generally supposed to have an exposition, climax, and a resolution, very generally speaking.

Not necessarily. A comedy or drama can simply relay interesting events without any conflict at all. Philosophical literary pieces often fall in this. While some sort of problem or even a struggle is preferred, it is by no means required.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightElf

Everything is so "idealistic" and devoid of any real problems. I mean all the college girls being supermodels and they all falling for the boys and so forth...

True.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightElf

But somehow it wasnt such a bad story to read...

It was a confusing and poor story. I'm sorry. He despises writing anyway and it shows in his work.

This is not to say, however, that he cannot improve. I disliked writing myself up until I was 16 or so. It was then that I started to understand all the concepts and put them together. Writing was still awkward for me for about a year until I started writing all the time on various forums. As my posts lengthed my skill improved. Fiction was still difficult, however, up until recently because I wanted to "hurry up and tell the story."

But the thing is, you have to slow down to tell a good story. For everything kite wrote, the length of the story should have only composed approximately two scenes. Details, details, details. You need to hook the reader into your story so that they want to continue reading. This is done by conveying a vivid picture of the environment and placing your characters in it. You want them to feel alive, like they really are actual, breathing people in a living, active environment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LightElf

you got some nice bit of imaginative thinking so it shows that you can be quite creative, and whilst I dont see a very conspicuos conflict in the story, I think you made up for it using some sexual connotations to perhaps keep the readers to read on by getting "aroused" in a sense.

It was not steamy at all. I've written erotic literature, and Literotica.com is a great place to find real erotic literature. There is no leniency in the world of entertainment, and you must polish your skills before presenting them to the public in such a way.

kite, don't get discouraged. It may be an odd thing for me to say considering my review, but it's one thing to say "I'd like some help with my writing, here's what I can do, and can you offer pointers?" and quite another to say "This is my writing skill, tell me what you think." If you want to write better, I can give you a few pointers and some advice so don't get discouraged from writing altogether. You just need some practice and to read more.

Man the call for me to create a Literature/Poetry club is getting stronger and stronger.

cinconneal · 02-27-2008, 03:37 AM

Alright, setting aside ALL the impossibility of such a plot, I will only comment on your writing style.
I'm not worried about the 'idea' and the 'fantasy-like' story you've written because that's all part of your imagination and you are free to write WHATEVER you wish^^.

However, your style of writing is...exceptionally poor and frankly....almost CHILD-LIKE.
What do I mean by that? Well, it feels just like a random "flow of conscience" piece of work and you just wrote according to what you felt at the time and the inspiration you had at that moment. You didn't PLAN it beforehand and you just launched into it.

I say CHILD-LIKE because there is lack of good phrases, lack of semi-profound vocabulary and lack of "style"....
It just seems a little boring and feels as tho you are ranting on and on about nothing.
If only you had a better style and structure to it, the story's value would have lifted immensely ^^ ^^.

I'll give you ONE example:
I really disliked this sentence, "This hot girl was an honors student and had an award in engineering."
It just popped out of NOWHERE and it stood in a very odd place and didn't complement the rest of the paragraph very well~~~.
It would have been Better had you put it at the end of that paragraph or at the beginning of the next paragraph. Also...the sentence itself seemed a bit boring..... In MY OWN words, I would have written, "Having won an award in engineering and was currently taking honors, she had no reason not to take revenge on them. Thus, she devised her plan...."
This, imo, would have been much better and it would have fitted well at the end of that paragraph....not where you had put it^^.

Also, don't over-use words or phrases. For instance, you kept using "the boys" and "the hot girl" repeatedly....this shows that you're an amateur and you don't know how to use OTHER words to say the same thing. Almost like, "Anne went to the market today. She bought 2 apples. On the way home, Anne met Abby. Anne really liked Abby and they talked for a long time. Then Anne went home."
Can you see what I'm getting at? It's just a childish repetition technique that should be AVOIDED!!^^ ^^

Well, I think I've abused your writing a bit too much and I really hope you're not offended^^. I am just being totally honest and I REALLY want to show you your weak points and how you can IMPROVE~~. You can improve so long as you know some basic rules and techniques~.
So kite98765, don't take my advice negatively. I'm only trying to help^^ ^^. I hope you will read my suggestions carefully and hopefully, you WILL get better in the future >.^

P.S. I would give you a rating of 3/10 (for effort and your "slight" interest in writing~~^^~~)

02-26-2008, 05:43 PM	#1
kite98765 Unknown Status: Offline Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 19	A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) Hi there. I was just wondering if you could rate this story I wrote. Be kind please! A Nerd's Dreams of Wierd Machines By: Kite98765 The pervy nerd was working in a college lab on a machine that shrinks objects. He tried it on himself and found that he could shrink to the size of a peanut or a doll. He shared this with his college buddies and they used it to sneak into the girls dorm. They peeked into the showers and watched all the girls run around the dorms. All of the girls had supermodle bodies, for example nice breasts, killer thighs, all the right curves. However, one day, the hottest girl noticed little bug-sized things moving around the floor. This hot girl was an honors student and had an award in engineering. She took a magnifying glass and, unexpecting to the guys on the floor, discovered who they were. She took action positively towards them because she realized that the nerd with the machine was the boy she had an attraction to for three years. She befriended the shrink machine inventor and seduced him into telling her about the machine. The nerd fell for it and even let her tinker with the machine. The hot girl took the machine to the girls dorm and told the girls about the boys' adventures through the dorms. The college girls allowed the boys to continue peeping at them untill the girls developed a way to capture the boys. The college girls didn't want to hurt the boys. They wanted to play with the boys sexually since they all realy liked the boys. So, the hot girl and the rest of the girls dorm worked on the machine untill they produced a new feature on it. The machine now had a clothing maker- in other words, a machine that made female clothing. They made bras, underwear, miniskirts, blouses, and bikinis out of objects. They then tested the machine on animals-mice to be more specific- and found that only the male mouse had turned into a bra, not the female mouse. The plan was then complete. The next time the boys sneaked in again the girls would turn them into clothes, put the boys on, and use the machine to enlarge their breasts and thighs, thus making the boys almost rip because of the tight fit. The college girls also made it so that they could select what part of the boys became which article of clothing. It was fairly easy to decide- a boy's head would become a bra, the groin into panties, the chest and arms into a blouse, and the legs a miniskirt. The bikinis were produced the same as the bra and underwear. Everything was now in order. So not to make the boys suspicious, the girls built a new machine without the added features and gave it to the boys. The smart collge hottie kept the tinkered machine for the girls' own use. The next night, the whole girls dorm threw a Playboy party, in which the girls dressed in either a Playboy bunny outfit, a bikini, or went nude. News about the party "accidentally" slipped out to the boys, who immediately shrunk down and raided the party. As soon as the boys entered the girls dorm, all the college girls recieved a meesage. It said, "Hey, anyone need a play toy? They just arrived...." The girls then set up the machine, but kept partying to keep the boys from noticing. The girls then revealed the boys, captured them, and either dropped the peanut-sized boys into their cleavage for a full body breast rub(the boys get repeatedly smooshed in the college girls' breasts), become sex slave dolls, or get streched as bras and other articles of clothing. The girls played with the boys for weeks. The teachers were all wondering why the boys were missing their classes. They never suspected that the boys were the clothing of all the girls that were in class. Of course, the teachers noticed the girls' brests and thighs were practically ripping their clothes, but they didn't care. The boys were never seen again. If you have stayed and read this story all the way through, I thank you and congratulate you for having a great sense of patience. Please rate this. And for those of you who don't have patience, I apologize for the long story. (I felt like writing this, but as soon as I got into it, I couldn't stop writing for 2 hours! LOL)

02-26-2008, 06:05 PM	#2
kite98765 Unknown Status: Offline Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 19	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) Anyone? Please rate this......

02-26-2008, 06:07 PM	#3
LightElf Ifrit Status: Offline Join Date: Feb 2008 Gender : Location: Germany, but will be soon in the UK for study Posts: 49	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) Erm...well I am not very sure. A story's supposed to have a conflict you know...some sort of a problem which the Characters face. And a story is generally supposed to have an exposition, climax, and a resolution, very generally speaking. Your story I think...lacks a bit of a conflict in my opinion. Everything is so "idealistic" and devoid of any real problems. I mean all the college girls being supermodels and they all falling for the boys and so forth...and being able to sneak on them as men is really a nice dream to have for typical men, but the story would be a bit boring without any sort of a problem. The only thing I could really call a "conflict" here is the college girls' attempt to find a solution to the problem of catching the boys and turning them into their clothes....but I am not sure if you can really call that an interesting enough conflict to make the readers read on. But somehow it wasnt such a bad story to read...you got some nice bit of imaginative thinking so it shows that you can be quite creative, and whilst I dont see a very conspicuos conflict in the story, I think you made up for it using some sexual connotations to perhaps keep the readers to read on by getting "aroused" in a sense. so all in all you could make the story more interesing if you can combine that imagination of yours especially in the sexual sense with a bit more of a "conflct" to perhaps cause a bit more tension and suspense in the story.

02-26-2008, 06:27 PM	#4
Slayden Confidant {con-FY-dant} Status: Offline Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender : Location: Locating... Age: 20 Posts: 302	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) As a writer and poet himself, I'm going to rate you based on my own literary experience, grasp of stories and how they are best told, and the observation of others' works. I'm not going to be sarcastic, but please don't take this personal. It is an objective review of the work you have written. It is not an attack. I get the impression that you barely made it through the first draft. I also have to wonder if you even made some sort of outline or organized your thoughts before writing. The storyline is horrid. Such a machine made in a school could not be kept under wraps, and I doubt the student would even try to do so. No allowance or even an excuse is given as to why the boy would hide his work. And the girl with an award in engineering. Such a girl would not have such petty notions as this. Furthermore, how much longer would it take to research transforming one material into another? and build the machine to do so? There is no timescale in this at all. Did they do all this overnight? How would the boys NOT find out about the tinkering with the original machine? The inventor would be constantly testing, tweaking, and refining the technology. And turning the boys into clothes? And turning specific parts of them into different articles of clothing? Um... wouldn't that kill them? Besides, even if the process itself didn't kill them, separating them into different pieces certainly would. But most of all... why? Sorry but your story is ill-conceived and ill-constructed. While the suspension of disbelief is to be present in all works, this one stretches it until it snaps. On a scale of 1-5, I give it a 1. The single star if for the effort you put into it.

02-26-2008, 06:50 PM	#5
kite98765 Unknown Status: Offline Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 19	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) Slayden, As for your comment, I would find it better and a little less painful if you didn't compare it to your own works. I'll leave you with this: I never thought about this story untill it hit me from some science lesson. I'm a person who despises writing, so I didn't make a draft or anything. The only thing that happened was that my mind flowed through my pencil and onto a paper. But I slightly appreciate that you actually answered me, so thanks, in a way.

02-26-2008, 06:52 PM	#6
kite98765 Unknown Status: Offline Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 19	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) LightElf, I appreciate your comment more, for that you supported me up and raised my spirits about my story. Thank you for your post.

02-26-2008, 06:55 PM	#7
kite98765 Unknown Status: Offline Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 19	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) If anyone else online would like to rate my story, feel free to do so. I'd appreciate it if a girl would also read and reply her opinion. Thank you.

02-26-2008, 07:08 PM	#8
Daniel. Stereophobia Status: Offline Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 8,003 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 3	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) Not a very good story, please also don't double post and then TRIPLE post.. use the edit button instead down in the right hand bottom corner of your post. This also isn't the right section for you to be posting this sort of material. P.S If you say you despised writing why are you so keen to have it here... ? *Over 3300 Anime/Ecchi Images in my Gallery. Click Here!* Spoiler! AmSidar x Daniel. Spoiler! Happily Married

02-27-2008, 03:37 AM	#10
cinconneal Shiva Status: Offline Join Date: Sep 2007 Gender : Location: Southern Hemisphere Posts: 684	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) Alright, setting aside ALL the impossibility of such a plot, I will only comment on your writing style. I'm not worried about the 'idea' and the 'fantasy-like' story you've written because that's all part of your imagination and you are free to write WHATEVER you wish^^. However, your style of writing is...exceptionally poor and frankly....almost CHILD-LIKE. What do I mean by that? Well, it feels just like a random "flow of conscience" piece of work and you just wrote according to what you felt at the time and the inspiration you had at that moment. You didn't PLAN it beforehand and you just launched into it. I say CHILD-LIKE because there is lack of good phrases, lack of semi-profound vocabulary and lack of "style".... It just seems a little boring and feels as tho you are ranting on and on about nothing. If only you had a better style and structure to it, the story's value would have lifted immensely ^^ ^^. I'll give you ONE example: I really disliked this sentence, "This hot girl was an honors student and had an award in engineering." It just popped out of NOWHERE and it stood in a very odd place and didn't complement the rest of the paragraph very well~~~. It would have been Better had you put it at the end of that paragraph or at the beginning of the next paragraph. Also...the sentence itself seemed a bit boring..... In MY OWN words, I would have written, "Having won an award in engineering and was currently taking honors, she had no reason not to take revenge on them. Thus, she devised her plan...." This, imo, would have been much better and it would have fitted well at the end of that paragraph....not where you had put it^^. Also, don't over-use words or phrases. For instance, you kept using "the boys" and "the hot girl" repeatedly....this shows that you're an amateur and you don't know how to use OTHER words to say the same thing. Almost like, "Anne went to the market today. She bought 2 apples. On the way home, Anne met Abby. Anne really liked Abby and they talked for a long time. Then Anne went home." Can you see what I'm getting at? It's just a childish repetition technique that should be AVOIDED!!^^ ^^ Well, I think I've abused your writing a bit too much and I really hope you're not offended^^. I am just being totally honest and I REALLY want to show you your weak points and how you can IMPROVE~~. You can improve so long as you know some basic rules and techniques~. So kite98765, don't take my advice negatively. I'm only trying to help^^ ^^. I hope you will read my suggestions carefully and hopefully, you WILL get better in the future >.^ P.S. I would give you a rating of 3/10 (for effort and your "slight" interest in writing~~^^~~)

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