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cinconneal · 02-27-2008, 03:37 AM

Alright, setting aside ALL the impossibility of such a plot, I will only comment on your writing style.
I'm not worried about the 'idea' and the 'fantasy-like' story you've written because that's all part of your imagination and you are free to write WHATEVER you wish^^.

However, your style of writing is...exceptionally poor and frankly....almost CHILD-LIKE.
What do I mean by that? Well, it feels just like a random "flow of conscience" piece of work and you just wrote according to what you felt at the time and the inspiration you had at that moment. You didn't PLAN it beforehand and you just launched into it.

I say CHILD-LIKE because there is lack of good phrases, lack of semi-profound vocabulary and lack of "style"....
It just seems a little boring and feels as tho you are ranting on and on about nothing.
If only you had a better style and structure to it, the story's value would have lifted immensely ^^ ^^.

I'll give you ONE example:
I really disliked this sentence, "This hot girl was an honors student and had an award in engineering."
It just popped out of NOWHERE and it stood in a very odd place and didn't complement the rest of the paragraph very well~~~.
It would have been Better had you put it at the end of that paragraph or at the beginning of the next paragraph. Also...the sentence itself seemed a bit boring..... In MY OWN words, I would have written, "Having won an award in engineering and was currently taking honors, she had no reason not to take revenge on them. Thus, she devised her plan...."
This, imo, would have been much better and it would have fitted well at the end of that paragraph....not where you had put it^^.

Also, don't over-use words or phrases. For instance, you kept using "the boys" and "the hot girl" repeatedly....this shows that you're an amateur and you don't know how to use OTHER words to say the same thing. Almost like, "Anne went to the market today. She bought 2 apples. On the way home, Anne met Abby. Anne really liked Abby and they talked for a long time. Then Anne went home."
Can you see what I'm getting at? It's just a childish repetition technique that should be AVOIDED!!^^ ^^

Well, I think I've abused your writing a bit too much and I really hope you're not offended^^. I am just being totally honest and I REALLY want to show you your weak points and how you can IMPROVE~~. You can improve so long as you know some basic rules and techniques~.
So kite98765, don't take my advice negatively. I'm only trying to help^^ ^^. I hope you will read my suggestions carefully and hopefully, you WILL get better in the future >.^

P.S. I would give you a rating of 3/10 (for effort and your "slight" interest in writing~~^^~~)

02-27-2008, 03:37 AM	#10
cinconneal Shiva Join Date: Sep 2007 Gender : Location: Southern Hemisphere Posts: 684	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) Alright, setting aside ALL the impossibility of such a plot, I will only comment on your writing style. I'm not worried about the 'idea' and the 'fantasy-like' story you've written because that's all part of your imagination and you are free to write WHATEVER you wish^^. However, your style of writing is...exceptionally poor and frankly....almost CHILD-LIKE. What do I mean by that? Well, it feels just like a random "flow of conscience" piece of work and you just wrote according to what you felt at the time and the inspiration you had at that moment. You didn't PLAN it beforehand and you just launched into it. I say CHILD-LIKE because there is lack of good phrases, lack of semi-profound vocabulary and lack of "style".... It just seems a little boring and feels as tho you are ranting on and on about nothing. If only you had a better style and structure to it, the story's value would have lifted immensely ^^ ^^. I'll give you ONE example: I really disliked this sentence, "This hot girl was an honors student and had an award in engineering." It just popped out of NOWHERE and it stood in a very odd place and didn't complement the rest of the paragraph very well~~~. It would have been Better had you put it at the end of that paragraph or at the beginning of the next paragraph. Also...the sentence itself seemed a bit boring..... In MY OWN words, I would have written, "Having won an award in engineering and was currently taking honors, she had no reason not to take revenge on them. Thus, she devised her plan...." This, imo, would have been much better and it would have fitted well at the end of that paragraph....not where you had put it^^. Also, don't over-use words or phrases. For instance, you kept using "the boys" and "the hot girl" repeatedly....this shows that you're an amateur and you don't know how to use OTHER words to say the same thing. Almost like, "Anne went to the market today. She bought 2 apples. On the way home, Anne met Abby. Anne really liked Abby and they talked for a long time. Then Anne went home." Can you see what I'm getting at? It's just a childish repetition technique that should be AVOIDED!!^^ ^^ Well, I think I've abused your writing a bit too much and I really hope you're not offended^^. I am just being totally honest and I REALLY want to show you your weak points and how you can IMPROVE~~. You can improve so long as you know some basic rules and techniques~. So kite98765, don't take my advice negatively. I'm only trying to help^^ ^^. I hope you will read my suggestions carefully and hopefully, you WILL get better in the future >.^ P.S. I would give you a rating of 3/10 (for effort and your "slight" interest in writing~~^^~~)