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Slayden · 02-26-2008, 06:27 PM

As a writer and poet himself, I'm going to rate you based on my own literary experience, grasp of stories and how they are best told, and the observation of others' works. I'm not going to be sarcastic, but please don't take this personal. It is an objective review of the work you have written. It is not an attack.

I get the impression that you barely made it through the first draft. I also have to wonder if you even made some sort of outline or organized your thoughts before writing. The storyline is horrid. Such a machine made in a school could not be kept under wraps, and I doubt the student would even try to do so. No allowance or even an excuse is given as to why the boy would hide his work.

And the girl with an award in engineering. Such a girl would not have such petty notions as this. Furthermore, how much longer would it take to research transforming one material into another? and build the machine to do so? There is no timescale in this at all. Did they do all this overnight? How would the boys NOT find out about the tinkering with the original machine? The inventor would be constantly testing, tweaking, and refining the technology.

And turning the boys into clothes? And turning specific parts of them into different articles of clothing? Um... wouldn't that kill them? Besides, even if the process itself didn't kill them, separating them into different pieces certainly would. But most of all... why?

Sorry but your story is ill-conceived and ill-constructed. While the suspension of disbelief is to be present in all works, this one stretches it until it snaps. On a scale of 1-5, I give it a 1. The single star if for the effort you put into it.

02-26-2008, 06:27 PM	#4
Slayden Confidant {con-FY-dant} Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender : Location: Locating... Age: 20 Posts: 302	Re: A Story of Girls(All Genders Read plz) As a writer and poet himself, I'm going to rate you based on my own literary experience, grasp of stories and how they are best told, and the observation of others' works. I'm not going to be sarcastic, but please don't take this personal. It is an objective review of the work you have written. It is not an attack. I get the impression that you barely made it through the first draft. I also have to wonder if you even made some sort of outline or organized your thoughts before writing. The storyline is horrid. Such a machine made in a school could not be kept under wraps, and I doubt the student would even try to do so. No allowance or even an excuse is given as to why the boy would hide his work. And the girl with an award in engineering. Such a girl would not have such petty notions as this. Furthermore, how much longer would it take to research transforming one material into another? and build the machine to do so? There is no timescale in this at all. Did they do all this overnight? How would the boys NOT find out about the tinkering with the original machine? The inventor would be constantly testing, tweaking, and refining the technology. And turning the boys into clothes? And turning specific parts of them into different articles of clothing? Um... wouldn't that kill them? Besides, even if the process itself didn't kill them, separating them into different pieces certainly would. But most of all... why? Sorry but your story is ill-conceived and ill-constructed. While the suspension of disbelief is to be present in all works, this one stretches it until it snaps. On a scale of 1-5, I give it a 1. The single star if for the effort you put into it.