[doesthislookinfected]

-- ok this is a little embarasing to ask.. well.. REALLY embarasing-- i cna't belive i'm asking this.. but hey.. idk who else i could ask.. since this kinna things.. are embarasing to say...- please .. nobody quote my post ;-; cuz i might delete it later

well i'm a 19 yo girl-- and i have this little problem..-
i was raped when i was a little girl and sexually assaulted- and not many year ago.. it happened again--- yeah it hurted like hell and yeah it left me.. some psycological problems
besides last year i was sexually assaulted .. again--

yeah luck is not by my side
i guess those kinna things are partly.. the reason why i'm depressed and almost kill myself in 2006

when i was little i was afraid of guys.. during that time i noticed that i liked girls too, i liked being with them and they weren't scary- .. [and you know.. sex with them doesn't hurt, ]

-- the thing is that i'm afraid of penetration

one of my last bfs even asked me if i was lesbian, not only bisexual-- cuz yeah..-- i always said "no" when he asked for sex-- tho we did other things.. we never go to penetration cuz i was scared--

then i had another guy.. i was drunk-- and well--then i reacted cuz.. when we were almost there .. it hurted like hell and then i started to yell lol..

now i'm in a currect relation.. we have been together for 4 months--
and well he knows a little of my past.. and he said he understand and will respect me and stuffs.. blablabla-

so i'm afraid.. he might-- get bored of me.. and won't ever "do it" cuz of my fear
i wish i wasn't this afraid--- but hey i have my reason.. but idk how to.. idk.. not being this afraid--

.. sometimes i wish i were lesbian lol.. not bi
but damn.. i happen to fall for a boy this time

--
so any words to less my fears are welcome

ps i know i'm bad spelling XP